Monthly Archives: April 2012

Rapport, Doppelgangers and Children’s Unconscious Ability to Connect

 

The other day I was witness to a remarkable though simple ritual of connection. The whole family were at a shopping centre (the Mall to the Americans 🙂 ) – something that happens very rarely as I’m really not a shopping centre kind of person – and we’d stopped for lunch.  Our seats were outside the establishment in what I’d guess you could call the hallway outside the shops, and we were right next door to a hairdresser.  Our kids couldn’t sit down long and after a short while started to play, coming back for the occasional bites which was alright with us. So it wasn’t long before my 3 year old noticed a pair of sisters sitting bored at the hairdressers waiting for their mother to finish having her hair done.  One of the children was a similar age to her.  The girls had obviously been told to stay inside the hairdressers at all costs.  My daughter on the other hand was reluctant to cross the threshold into the next shop, so the two three year olds faced each other across the open doorway.

I think first they stuck their tongues out.  Then they started making faces at each other. Then they started copying each other’s faces. All this was wordlessly, amid the noise and bustle of the shopping centre, almost like a magical little oasis of connection. After that they started to add in various body movements, becoming more and more attuned.  One would raise an arm, and the other would copy, one would bop her head and the other would copy.  They took turns leading and following.  Finally they progressed to full body movements, doing lunges and star jumps.  At times they were so in tune with each other that they performed the actions at the same time, and it looked like one was the mirror image of the other.  All this went on for a good ten minutes or so.  Only then did they progress to a little conversation about brothers and sisters and such like, but by that time they were already friends! After a couple of minutes of that the sisters mother had finished having her hair done, and they trailed off after their mum, my daughter and her friend waving to each other and yelling ‘Bye!’

I was transfixed by the whole thing.  There are times when I find this mortal state of humanity limiting, and there are times when I rejoice in it and just love being human!  This was one of the latter.  Isn’t it fantastic that two little people can build such a connection, without words, just by mirroring each other’s movements?  And they had such fun doing it!  From a young age it seems we are born to interact and to read and predict each other.  NLP will have you intentionally match and mirror the actions of someone you wish to build up rapport with, and if that’s not done carefully it can be very artificial, actually a little creepy and more of a turn off than anything …  you might also be so busy matching and mirroring that you neglect to actually listen to what the other person is saying.  I personally prefer to pay deep attention to the conscious and unconscious messages the other person is sending my way.  You know how you can soften and relax your vision, and then you get to see every little thing that happens even out of the corner of your eye?  It’s something to experiment with whilst you’re driving.  Rather than having your eyes dart sharply from one target to the next, try looking softly. Defocusing your vision a little.  You’ll find you see a lot more.  Then you can zoom in on anything that seems incongruent or relevant in some way.  Well when I’m having a deep conversation with someone or if I’m working with a client  I like to do that with all my senses, with my whole awareness rather than just my vision.  I find that the most important things then jump right out at me.  And I also find that I match and mirror spontaneously rather than by design.  Rather like the two little girls at the shops!  See, we have it all inbuilt already, all we have to do is remember…

I had my own mirror experience yesterday … I was having a one to one business meeting with someone I’d met and briefly chatted with several times.  We’d previously noted that we had some common interests, and until that point we hadn’t actually talked deeply.  To start with, when I came into the room and we greeted each other, I was once again astounded by our physical similarities – both petite frame, shoulder length brown hair left down, glasses.  I had even narrowly missed wearing a similar jacket to the one she was wearing that morning!   Our conversation quickly progressed from the mundane to life goals and our understanding of life’s deepest concepts. She grew up in Hinduism and I grew up in Judaism, so we had different words for things and a different framework … but many of the concepts were the same.  In the course of the conversation we kept finding things we matched on … cue the creepy music!  At one point I had to remark to her ‘You’re like my Hindu twin!’  At the end of the meeting it was something of an effort to float back down to earth and pin down some concrete steps we could take action on.  At this point no one knows if we will collaborate on anything or what the results will be, but whatever happens it will certainly come from a place of mutual understanding.

When I think about it I’ve had this experience of deep similarity before, with a number of people and each time it has been a friendship that lasts and brings forth great things for both of us.  You know when I watched my daughter playing with the little girl at the doorway of the hairdressers and their rapport seemed so effortless and light, and yet so deep, I wondered whether we as adults could still attain that same rapport or whether we had lost something, a certain simplicity and direct connection perhaps, that we needed to regain.  Yesterday’s experience reminded me that we still have this vast ability to connect, even as adults – if we are open to it.

 

Have you had experiences of deep connection?  I’m sure you have and we’d love to hear about them… please share!

 

Make it a great week 🙂

 

Rivka

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A Funeral, A Spring Festival and New Beginnings

 

The sky is suitably overcast as we meet at the graveyard.  My great uncle has died, and here we all are for the funeral.  People are gathered in clumps, as if being part of a group will protect them from death.  I’m no different – I stick with my mother and brother.  I never really know what to say on these occasions.  What is there to say when the person lost is much loved, and has been there forever.  Words can’t be enough.  My presence will have to suffice.  Though we children didn’t spend as much time as we should have with him, to me my great uncle was one of those people who was just a given.  You know, someone who holds up part of the edge of your world just by being there.  It’s strange that he is dead.  It feels weird.  One more of the old guard is gone and the rest of us move one step closer to becoming the old guard ourselves.

It feels disrespectful to walk amongst the gravestones, so I stand with some others a little back as the coffin is lowered and the prayers are said. I stand there remembering how not that many years ago despite his frailty he was part of the party that accompanied my granny, his sister to her final resting place, even though he didn’t have his coat and it was freezing.   As we all watch the young lad with the digger fill in the grave, my eye roves over the nearby gravestones, and I read so many peoples’ final words to each other.  I allow the words on the nearest gravestone to dissolve and envision my name there, and I ponder what I’d want my gravestone to say.  Don’t you find these things make you value your life?  If there’s one thing each of us can be sure of it’s that we will eventually die.  I’m grateful to still be in the game.

After the funeral it’s back to the craziness of Passover preparations.  Passover is really an all consuming festival.  It celebrates the survival and rescue of the Jewish people from generations of slavery in ancient Egypt.  The celebration involves a lot of symbolism, to help the participants feel like they too have been rescued from that same slavery.  As part of the preparation involves removing even the tiniest amount of leavened grain product (bread, cake, pasta, biscuits etc) from your home, i.e. a massive and intense spring cleaning operation, by the time you get to the festival you really do feel like you’ve emerged from slavery!  I’m a busy woman, being a wife and mother of three, and serving my clients too.  There never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done, so you have to prioritise.  What usually falls off the list is the domestic stuff, so when Passover comes, there’s a lot to do. My kids bless them are like three little tornados of chaos leaving a tumult of disorder in their wake.  So it’s pointless trying to remove said grain products more than a week before the event. And the clean up process when it does happen has to be a deep one – you find bits of pasta in the strangest places!  All of which explains why you didn’t get your blog last week.  Usually if I don’t manage to sit here and write about life it’s because I’m too busy living it!

As with a lot of religious practices, Passover is all about ‘as without, so within’.  I found an interesting reference to this regarding spring cleaning.  Written by David Ault, one of my personal development heroes,  it’s a piece suggesting that you do some internal spring cleaning whilst you spring clean your house   and really that’s part of what Passover is about – removing the leavened ‘puffed up’ ego, so that you can get to the real stuff underneath. It’s about leaving behind the past so that you can embrace the present and ever renewing life.

Which brings me to my final point. Has this been happening to anyone else, or is it just me?  Things that you wouldn’t usually expect to have been springing to life around me.  It all started with the chow chow.  If you’ve never encountered one, a chow chow is a bright green hand sized vegetable, with paler green flesh inside, and a soft white seed in the middle.  As I understand it, it’s native to places like the Philippines. It’s mild and slightly sweet in flavour and great as a steamed vegetable side dish.  Well I had one of these chow chows sitting on my kitchen window ledge for a while and due to the other clutter there, if I’m honest I completely forgot about it.  When I did eventually remember it and decide to cook it, an astonishing thing had happened.  It had sprouted a shoot and was growing a plant straight out of the vegetable itself.  Little roots were patiently waiting under the shoot for such a time when they would encounter some soil.  Now I’m a sucker for a sprouting plant.  If it has a root, I’ll plant it. Over the years I have loved many avocado plants, cobnut trees, and bulls eye seedlings.  I currently have a 4 year old jackfruit sapling growing in my office.  Don’t ask me why.  Being a tropical plant it will never bear fruit in this country. If it asks for soil I provide.  So I planted the chow chow.  It has subsequently shot up, like Jack’s beanstalk, and I have it on good authority that if I take care of it, it will provide us with chow chows all summer.

Then the dead stick on the orchid started flowering again – never seen that before.  Then I found sprouting ginger in the fridge – which I have since planted.  And you know what I found this morning?  We have a weekend treat in this house, for those who wake up early enough.  We have a ‘fruit party’, which consists of a variety of the usual and some more exotic fruit. So I was about to crack this coconut, and I took off part of the hair at the top, and the coconut had sprouted!  Now this was not something that had been sitting around in my kitchen, I’d only just bought it.  Of course I’m going to plant it … so it looks like we’ll be hosting a baby coconut palm too 🙂 Now all we need is sunshine!

So, what with bidding a sad and grateful farewell to a stalwart of the past, cleaning out our house and hearts of the old us to make way for the new us, and new life emerging in all directions, it seems spring is really taking hold at this end of the world.

How is spring manifesting in your life?

I’d love to hear about it!

Rivka